The End Of the World

          Well..... It's been a while since I last updated my blog haha! And now I'm doing so because this PARTICULAR friend of mine has persuaded me to do so haha, you know who I'm talking about sporty girl haha :P Anyways, it is also partly due to the fact that I'm incredibly free right now... and incredibly bored.... because I'm now waiting to enter the next stage of my life, the army.... But, this blog post is not about my worries for my army life ahead, it's about something else entirely.... I know the first passage of this blog post has a different feel compared to my last three posts but I will be entering the "emo" mode shortly....

          I guess this feeling started during my polytechnic life.... I was entering my early twenties soon, meaning that very soon I have to face the responsibilities of an adult..... things like my future education - whether i'll be able to enter a university and further my education, future career - whether I'll be able acquire that a job that I have a passion for as well as a satisfactory income, and a possible family to care for... All of these "issues" started to surface as my polytechnic life reached it's end..... Friends start discussing about their future plans, what they had in mind for their future and stuff.... It was pretty stressful even though people tell me that I never looked stressed at all....

          Now as I await the day of my enlistment, I'm left with an abundant amount of time to ponder about my future prospects, a good career, a family of my own... but all of these feels so... unobtainable.... a goal which I could never hope to attain.... like a juicy apple hanging from a towering tree which I can never reach for... It fills my heart with pain and despair, making all the steps that I have to take seem so useless.... With this, my sense of purpose in life has disappeared.... I know not when it slowly faded from existence but i have only just realised it. It is because of this that my every action seems to be for naught and I no longer have the conviction to continue.... I'm just going through the motion, not putting any effort into the things I do.... I do not know if I'm able to even get a degreee and without it, there will be low job prospect for me..... I don't have a girlfriend at all... I let go of the one who had loved me once and now it seems that there is no hope for me.... My existence has lost all meaning, I do not see a way out of this "neverending cloak of nothingness".... Hence, it is during these times that I wish that the world would end so that I do not have continue a life that has already lost it's "color".... I have no more aim, no more purpose, no nothing.... All I'm doing now is just mindlessly doing what everyone does.... This void, this emptiness in me can't seem to be filled up..... All I can do is hope that the world will end even though I know that it's a very selfish thought.... I wonder when the world will end, this year, next year, centuries later.... I can only continue to hope that someone will one day bring the "color" back to my life, if only.....

Superhuman Abilities

          A friend of mine once asked me a question. "If you had a superhuman abiltity, what would it be?" I thought of some of the common abilities I knew, superhuman strength, control over the elements, mind control, flying abilties, super speed, and I couldn't decide which I wanted most. Finally, I said I wanted the ability to read minds. When I chose this, I was thinking about the hidden thoughts that people have. I wanted to know how people truly feel about things, particularly about me. Some or should i say most people would say or have said something that was different from what they thought. It may be out of politeness or just lying but, the fact is, they are not saying how they truly feel. I want to know badly how people thought about me. Everytime someone makes a comment about me, I would wonder, is this really what they think about me? I would imagine them saying bad things about me behind my back. Even when they say something good about me, I would imagine them holding back some bad comments. Maybe it's because I have many bad points which I am not hearing from anyone. I want to know how others feel about me so that I can change for the better. And yet, I thought, what happens if everyone thought bad about me.... the ability would then be a curse instead of a gift.
          When I thought about the question again, I realised I didn't want the ability read minds, but rather, the ability to travel through time. I don't want to use this ability to travel back in time to learn about the history of mankind or the creation of the universe so that I can become a historian. I also don't desire to use this ability to travel into the future and find out about the fate of mankind. I have only one reason for wanting this ability and that is to travel back through the history of my life and right the wrongs which I have committed. The regrets that I have gathered over the few years of my life are gnawing at my heart and the hole that they have created is becoming bigger as the seconds go by. Some regrets are minor while others are worse but as a whole, it is like an ache which never goes away. The regrets that I have are almost always on my mind. Sometimes I would forget about them but in moments such as this, it would be as clear as the day itself. I could have done something about it but I did not and now the regrets have come to haunt me like a ghost from my past. The things that I have done may be like nothing to some people and horrible to others but to me, I find them unforgivable. "Why did I do this?", I would ask myself and I would receive no answer. What I feel bad about is the people who were affected by the choices I made. An "antidote" to this "corrosive poison" would be the ability to travel back in time. But then this is just an unattainable dream and I can never undo what I have done. It's the knowledge that I can never undo what I have done which hurts me the most. And the regrets continue to fester in me...

Regrets

                Regrets that I have are like the inner demons in my heart, constantly surfacing to haunt me, to create a wound in my heart, a wound that is constantly healed and reopened from time to time. It hurts so bad at times that it brings tears to my eyes just by thinking of them. These are the decisions that I made in my 18 years of existence which altered the course of my life, mostly in a bad way.
                It made me wonder, " if only i had done this", "if only I hadn't done that". I wish so badly that I could turn back the Wheels of Time and right the wrongs that I had done, the wrongs which had hurt the people around me and myself included. I would think, " maybe if i could rectify the wrongs then my life would be so much better". However, if one were to think about this, one would see a positive side to it. Each decision made alters the course of our lives and we do not know if the decision made would be for the better or for the worse. I may even have a worse life than this if I had chosen other actions. Sadly, this fact does not comfort me.
                Surprising how we tend to remember the bad things better than the good ones or is it just me.... I can still remember almost all the bad things in my life that I have done and yet I remember little about the joys that I experienced when I was young. "Why is that so?" I would wonder.  As I type this post, I can't help but feel a deep sadness for what could have been if I never did all those things. If only there was something that could be done to change all of these, if only I never chose to do all of these. Sigh.... if only....

Beauty Of The Soul

I should never have let you go. I should have done something about it. I should tried to keep you by my side. I should have told you about my true feelings earlier but I did not. This has been one of my regrets ever since. Whenever I dream of you, I could only get a fleeting glance of you. I could never seem to be able speak to you. When I woke up from those dreams, I would always wonder, why could I not master the courage to talk to you! There was once when I finally spoke to you in my dreams and that day was one of the happiest day I had. I might sound very desperate and all but that's the truth. You seem so perfect to me, beautiful on the inside and out. The beauty of your soul has captivated me. And yet, I fear that the darkness in my heart might corrupt my image of you. It may not be the time now and it may never be but know that I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with you. Hope that we may be able to share our lives together in the future. Haha, sounds so dramatic doesn't it. Haiz....

Welcome!!!

Haha, hi! This is my first time creating a blog so i'm quite new to this thing! One day i thought of creating a blog so now that it has been created, i don't know if i can maintain!! Haha! Hopefully! Anyway, just trying to post some stuff. If anyone has any great skin for my blog pls do let me know, thx! =) I think i'll just end here for now and see how this will go! Maybe it can help improve my English and typing skills haha!!