Well..... It's been a while since I last updated my blog haha! And now I'm doing so because this PARTICULAR friend of mine has persuaded me to do so haha, you know who I'm talking about sporty girl haha :P Anyways, it is also partly due to the fact that I'm incredibly free right now... and incredibly bored.... because I'm now waiting to enter the next stage of my life, the army.... But, this blog post is not about my worries for my army life ahead, it's about something else entirely.... I know the first passage of this blog post has a different feel compared to my last three posts but I will be entering the "emo" mode shortly....
I guess this feeling started during my polytechnic life.... I was entering my early twenties soon, meaning that very soon I have to face the responsibilities of an adult..... things like my future education - whether i'll be able to enter a university and further my education, future career - whether I'll be able acquire that a job that I have a passion for as well as a satisfactory income, and a possible family to care for... All of these "issues" started to surface as my polytechnic life reached it's end..... Friends start discussing about their future plans, what they had in mind for their future and stuff.... It was pretty stressful even though people tell me that I never looked stressed at all....
Now as I await the day of my enlistment, I'm left with an abundant amount of time to ponder about my future prospects, a good career, a family of my own... but all of these feels so... unobtainable.... a goal which I could never hope to attain.... like a juicy apple hanging from a towering tree which I can never reach for... It fills my heart with pain and despair, making all the steps that I have to take seem so useless.... With this, my sense of purpose in life has disappeared.... I know not when it slowly faded from existence but i have only just realised it. It is because of this that my every action seems to be for naught and I no longer have the conviction to continue.... I'm just going through the motion, not putting any effort into the things I do.... I do not know if I'm able to even get a degreee and without it, there will be low job prospect for me..... I don't have a girlfriend at all... I let go of the one who had loved me once and now it seems that there is no hope for me.... My existence has lost all meaning, I do not see a way out of this "neverending cloak of nothingness".... Hence, it is during these times that I wish that the world would end so that I do not have continue a life that has already lost it's "color".... I have no more aim, no more purpose, no nothing.... All I'm doing now is just mindlessly doing what everyone does.... This void, this emptiness in me can't seem to be filled up..... All I can do is hope that the world will end even though I know that it's a very selfish thought.... I wonder when the world will end, this year, next year, centuries later.... I can only continue to hope that someone will one day bring the "color" back to my life, if only.....
